So many things…

Hello long lost friends,

I have missed you. I have missed blogging. Life kind of swallowed me for a while there and a lot has been happening but I miss writing and I miss my bloggy friends. If anyone is still out there–hello again!

Lately my life is a lot more runner and a little less Paleo, so the name of this blog probably needs to change.  But I’ll get to that eventually.  The biggest thing that has been happening is this:

Chase and I were shocked and excited. We proceeded to buy fun baby books and brainstorm ways to tell our families.

But then yesterday things did not feel right and I went to the doctor and learned that I had miscarried.

It was still early and we had told almost no one which is both a blessing and a curse–how do you tell people this? How do you even find the words?  How do you grieve something that was just starting? Since we hadn’t told many people it has given us the ability to live our daily lives as “normally” as possible, but I don’t really know how to do that because nothing seems normal.  Honestly, I haven’t figured anything out yet but I woke up today and I wanted to write about it. I wanted to put it into words and for some reason the only way I could verbalize it was through a blog post so here you have it. I figured that maybe writing about this experience and sending it out into the cosmic Internet void may help to make it real so that I don’t feel like it is such a secret.  It is hard to mourn a ghost–it is even harder when it is a secret ghost.  No one likes to talk about sad things but sometimes the only way to move past sadness is to sit with it for a while. So that is what I am doing. There has been lots of tissues, tears, and comforting cups of hot tea.

I realize that this is probably the most melancholic return post ever but I wanted to be real and this is the current reality for PaleoRunnerGirl.  I promise future posts will contain more positivity.

xoxo

Fact: You Cannot Cry with Chocolate Pudding in your Mouth

Change makes me cry.

This is a fact that is simply irrefutable.

Change #1:

A week from Monday is my last day with these two beauties:

I keep talking to them about the fact that I am moving away and both promptly shake their heads and say “No.”  It is super cute.  They turned 20 months old on Wednesday–I have known them for all 20 months.  My heart hurts just thinking about not seeing these girls on a weekly basis.

Change #2:

I was officially offered a long term full time position at the graduate school where I work.  While this is a happy change in many respects, it means that I have my first official adult career.  It also means that my computer is my new BFF.  I am ALWAYS grading papers.

Source

Change #3:

Five months ago I accepted (as in signed the contract) an adjuncting job at another university teaching American literature to begin in May.  Five months ago I had no idea I would ALSO have a full time job on top of teaching so I happily signed up to teach not one but TWO courses at the same time.  Right now I am scrambling to read the 400 page textbook and figure out my lesson plans.  I adore teaching American lit but I am TERRIFIED as I have never taught at this university and never taught this curriculum before.

Change #4:

Chase will officially be a doctor in less than 4 weeks.  Yep, after 4 LONG years, this guy is graduating from medical school.

Change #5:

Four, yes FOUR days after Chase graduates, we move to Bethesda, MD.  We bid farewell to Bethlehem and move for the fourth time in 5 years.

In case you are wondering, this means that in May I will be saying goodbye to the twinnies, working my full-time job, teaching two literature courses, celebrating Chase’s graduation (and hosting his entire family), and moving to another state. Guys, I have to be honest–blogging is going to be a bit sparse for the next 6-8 weeks.  I promise that life will eventually calm down and I will once again be a devoted blogger.

Commence crying NOW.

Enter the desperate need for pudding because we all know you can’t cry with chocolate pudding in your mouth.  Especially if it is my practically Paleo, gluten-free, tastes-like-brownie-batter, chocolate pudding.

 

I adapted the brilliant Dorie Greenspan’s recipe from this lovely cooking tome:

(This is the type of cookbook that you read.  It has spectacular anecdotes and a plethora of pictures–LOVE).

The ingredients are incredibly easy and you probably have them in your pantry RIGHT now.

Ingredients:

2 1/4 cups Coconut Milk (or any other type of milk–however, I recommend a thicker milk = full-fat coconut milk or whole cow’s milk)

7 tbsp sugar

2 heaping tbsp cocoa

2 tbsp cornstarch

1/4 tsp salt

1 egg

2 egg yolks

1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

2 tbsp butter

1 tsp vanilla extract

1) Combine 2 cups milk and 3 tbsp sugar in a pot and gradually bring to a gentle boil stirring occasionally.

 

2) As the milk is heating up, combine the corn starch, cocoa, 2 tbsp cocoa & salt and blend together in a blender or food processor (you need a large full processor).

and

3) After pulsing the dry ingredients until fine.  Add in 1 egg, 2 yolks, and 1/4 cup coconut milk and puree until smooth.

4) After the milk comes to a gentle boil, remove from heat and slowly pour into the chocolate mixture in the blender/processor and puree until smooth and fully combined.

5) Pour mixture back into the pot and heat over medium heat, stirring continually with a whisk until thick (about 3 minutes).

6) Melt chocolate chips in microwave (be sure not to burn them–stir often!)

7) Stir butter and vanilla into the melted chocolate chips and add to the chocolate mixture–return everything to the blender and puree until smooth.

8) Pour into 6-8 ramekins for fancy individual portions (or a larger corning ware if you prefer to just eat spoonfuls every time you pass the fridge) and chill 4 hours.

(FYI: I totally just spooned some into a ramekin for the pretty photo and then spooned it right back into the bowl in the fridge –I am not as fancy as the pictures may lead you to believe).

The pudding will thicken up to an almost pots-de-creme consistency and it truly tastes like brownie-batter–for real.

You need to make this RIGHT NOW.

And I dare you to try to cry with a spoonful of this magic in your mouth.

For me, the next few weeks are going to include MANY spoonfuls of pudding.

Ooops, I did it again.

Yes, I realize that the title of this post is tremendously hackneyed, but it simply fits. In case you are wondering, this post has nothing to do with the lovely Brittany Spears–nor her infamous song.

Queque collective sigh of relief.

What I am actually referring to is my inability to say one of the most powerful words in the English language–NO.

Yesterday, I accepted another job offer. For those of you counting, this is on top of the other two jobs I already have. Right now I work 30 hours a week at job #1, 25ish hours at job #2, and job #3 will take anywhere from 15-20 hours per week. Can you tell I have a problem with boundaries and saying no in this area of my life. You see, the problem is that I have no idea what my true professional passion is anymore. I knew that I wanted to go into education after getting my undergraduate degree here:

I decided to further hone my career by becoming a professor after receiving my MA in Literature from here:

And then decided that I had no idea what I wanted to do after getting part of my doctorate here:

Midway through the program, I found myself miserable.  The ivory tower of academia seemed to be an acrimonious series of hoops one must jump through. I had completely lost my passion.

Lehigh has allowed my to take a sabbatical, and in the meantime I have been an adjunct literature professor and a nanny. I have literally seen the twinnies go from this:

(2 weeks old)

To this:

(14 months old)

I love these little girls with all of my heart. But I have struggled with the fact that I am probably the most over-educated nanny on the block. I have enjoyed adjuncting, as it has kept me “in the field” and provided a nice balance–however, the schedule is very irregular and I only teach about 6 months out of the year.

Consequently, when a graduate school asked me to become a writing specialist full-time (with benefits!), I jumped at the offer. The problem is, writing is NOT my passion. I like it, but I prefer literature. I prefer teaching students to love reading.

However, yesterday I received an offer for another adjunct literature  professor position at a different university–and I said yes. I want to take it–however, I don’t want to sacrifice my secure full-time job, or my nanny job (because those babies are my heart).  The problem is that once Chase returns from his military rotation, he will have the easiest, most available 6 months of the next 15 years. Plus, we will probably be having our own little kiddies in the nearish future, so Chase/Sally Anne time is coming to a close. I don’t want to be working 18 hours a day for the next 6 months and miss this quality time. What the heck am I supposed to do?!

So I am basically going crazy trying to figure out how best to achieve balance. I am so thankful to have these opportunities and I want to be a good steward of both them and my own abilities.  Um, this whole “being an adult” thing is positively exhausting!

Earlier this week I gave y’all the cake analogy regarding the things you see on this little bloggy.

Today I felt like I needed to show you some of the other layers of my life (I think this is my orange layer). Don’t worry, I will be back to blogging more “frosting” topics tomorrow; however, if you have any words of wisdom they would be very much appreciated! 🙂